Work In Progress

 This past year has been full of so many experiences for me, and I have learned, and changed so much. I have been thinking a lot lately about the kind of person I want to be. Not just the kind of person I want others to see me as, but actually being that person. To feel the confidence that I try to portray, to be the happy I wear on my face, and to just be a good person.
I have always tried to control my emotions and only let people see what I want them to. This has a lot to do with my anxiety, and not feeling comfortable in front of people. But that it is so exhausting. I am tired of doing things because of my anxiety. I'm tired of not letting myself feel things, or say things, or have a certain emotion about something. Now, of course, I can't just tell my anxiety to cut it out, and forget about it, but I do think that I can over come some of it. I want to be able to laugh, cry, be confused, ask questions, speak, and whatever else without feeling like I'm going to puke or die of humiliation.
There will still be some of that sometimes, but in this last year, I have been able to get through those feelings and do the things I want. I flew on an airplane for the first time this year, traveled without my family, visited another state, and have started doing more outside of my house with other people. These are all things that people do everyday and don't think about it, but for me it's a really big deal and it has shown me that even though I still have social anxiety, I can do everything I want. I make take a little more time than everyone, and have a panic attack or two, and need a hug, but I can do it!
So I started thinking of all of the things I have stopped myself from doing, or thought were too hard, or too embarrassing to do, and decided that I am going to try those things. I have made a list of these things:
1. Cry in front of people. This is one of the hardest things for me. I taught myself years ago how to stop myself from crying. I feel extremely embarrassed when I cry in public. But sometimes I really want to cry. Like if I feel the spirit, or see something sweet, or even if I'm just having a hard day.
2.Making friends. One of my least favorite things is starting a conversation. I will sit by myself, and not speak to anyone to avoid having to start a conversation- even with people I already know. I like friends, and people, and I really enjoy talking, but it terrifies me. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I embarrass myself? What if I bore them? It is just stressful, and hard.
3.Saying what I feel/ giving my opinion. This is probably one of the things I am worst at. I hate discussing feelings, and emotions. I feel weak, and dumb if I'm anything but "good". And giving my opinion on something... so hard. I will agree with things I completely disagree with because I get so nervous. Or if someone says they like something that I like, or noticed something I did too, I will often say I don't like it, or didn't notice it, because I'm worried they'll think I'm copying them... I know, what am I 6?
So, these are a few of the things I have been working on, and trying to improve about myself. I want people to know my opinions, and how I feel, and what I'm really thinking. Because I like knowing those things about other people, so what's the big deal... right? Well, it's a work in progress. I just want to be able to feel everything I want without having to feel bad or embarrassed. I want to say what I mean, and stick to what I believe, even if someone else thinks the contrary, or says I'm wrong.
We're all a work in progress, we shouldn't beat ourselves up for who we are. God knows our heart, and who we are, His opinion of us should be the only one that matters. And maybe your mom... Don't apologize for who you are, you're great. Just keep working on yourself, don't give up. There's always going to be something to improve, and that's okay, we're human.

Bad Days

Today was a bad day, I'm sorry to say. Usually, Sundays are the best. I get to go to church, wear a dress, hear great messages- and although all of those things happened, it was just not a good day.
I woke up with a sore neck, and I was still very tired. Then my hair looked dumb, then my outfit looked all wrong, then it was hot... I could name several other things but I'll save you from a rant.
So anyways, it seemed like anything anyone did was annoying and I couldn't do anything right either, and I wasn't much fun to be around. And I started to feel kinda ugly on the inside. I was being mean and having negative thoughts. I wasn't very fond of myself at all.
So why am I telling you about my awful day? Well, hopefully what I say next will help your next bad day. But it might just annoy you if you're in the midst of your bad day... haha.
I realized, while reading inspirational quotes on Pinterest (I know how cliche and ridiculous this sounds) that this is just one day that had some not so great circumstances, but it will end, and it will be Monday. I get to wake up again and try to make it not so crummy. I can pray for comfort and hope that it will get better, and that already makes me hopeful. I don't think I'm truly ugly on the inside, I was just acting ugly. And that can be changed. If we can recognize that we're not allowing ourselves to be happy, then we can change it. We can turn our day around.
I have been doing the one billion clicks thing (http://www.billionclicks.org/) and I haven't clicked today yet... I'm sure I've had a positive thought, but all my negative thoughts were much louder and beat up all my positive thoughts. It's interesting to me that even though our positive thoughts make us feel better, and happier, and do better things, our negative thoughts are so much easier to come by some days. While on Pinterest I found a quote that says: "beauty is the best possible version of yourself on the inside and out." I am trying to improve my inner beauty and days like this one have not made that easy. But, I'm gonna keep trying, and hoping for better days.
So, good luck with your bad days. And really, sometimes all we need is a diet caffeine free Coke, and a blog rant. haha. And a call from a friend always helps!
 Don't forget your beautiful on the inside, and out even on bad days!

Just One Thing

Right now, think of one thing you like about yourself- just one thing... Got it? Now, keep that one thing in mind.

When I am around people, I am constantly judging myself. I can think of several things that are wrong with me. Because of my social anxiety, it is already hard for me to be around people, and I am always thinking of things I am doing wrong while I'm talking to someone. I know that I always do goofy things with my hands, I laugh too loud, I smile funny, I play with my hair... the list goes on. So then when I walk away, I instantly start thinking of things I could and couldn't have done. And then I end up just being completely disappointed with myself. It's terrible. I don't let myself think things like: "at least I'm trying", or "you did your best for your circumstances". No, that is not good enough for me. I'm a bit of a perfectionist so when I can't do something as well as I think it should have been done, I am disappointed, and even mad at myself.
So then I have to stop myself. It's not always easy to stop yourself in the middle of an I Hate Myself Rant- but it can be done. Then I have to start reversing. I have to think of things I did right; things I like about myself. Even if it's just one thing. And most of the time, even one thing is hard to come up with. I have written down in my room a few things that I think are beautiful about myself. I refer to the list when nothing is coming to mind.
So, right now, I would encourage you to think of that one thing you like about yourself, and write it down somewhere you can refer back to. Try to add to the list every time you think of something you like about yourself. Once you have written something down, you cannot deny it when you read it again.
I think it is much easier to love yourself, then judge yourself. You are happier when you are loving yourself and others. I am trying to work everyday on just accepting myself. My Heavenly Father loves me, my family loves me, I should love me.
-Meagan Tweedy

The song I have chosen for this Monday is "I'll Be Fine" by Michelle Featherstone. There is no video because the artist didn't post one with the correct copyright stuff and so I didn't want to get all complicated with that. There is an okay video posted on YouTube that you can look up. :)

One of the things I dislike most in life is when unexpected things happen that throw everything off. One person makes a decision, and it changes everyones world. And it sucks. And all we can say is "I'll be fine". What else can we say? Sure, we can be mad and unhappy but at the end of the day we've got to move on and keep living life.
In the midst of challenges or change it is easy to look at ourselves and not see the greatness there. Whether it's because we don't think we're handling it the best we could, or we are comparing our challenges or lives to others, when we look at ourselves we become even more unhappy. But remember that you are handling it. You are waking up every morning and deciding to deal with everything. You are deciding to not give up on trying to figure everything out. And that makes you strong. That makes you honorable. That makes you someone other people can look up to. And that makes you beautiful.
Anything that hits us- good or bad- will change us. But we'll be fine. Eventually. Life will find a new rhythm. Just remember to keep dancing to it.

Be yourself, you're best at it! :)

Kirsten

After reading the many posts that Meagan had done with The Be You Beauty Project, I knew that I wanted to be a part of this wonderful effort. I am Kirsten Everts. I have been married for almost 6 years and have 3 boys who are 5, 3, and a 1 year old. I am 25 years old.
I have always felt self-conscious of myself. I've never been good at math or science and never really excelled in school. I got good grades, but was just kind of average.
I'm short, curvy, and the way my eyes are, I look a little cross-eyed. I had boyfriends, friends, and family growing up who would tell me I was pretty but I never really believed it for myself, and I looked to others to build my own confidence. I've since learned that if you don't believe it about yourself, it doesn't matter what people say. You need to feel good and have confidence about yourself, and from that others will see that confidence.
I have low self-esteem about my body since having 3 boys via c-section, I still get cold sores on my lips- which is embarrassing- I can get depressed easily, I have highs and lows, and often think negatively.
I often let people walk all over me. These are all weaknesses I have. Along with the weaknesses my Heavenly Father has given me, he has also given my many strengths. I'm very artistic and creative, I am a peacemaker, great listener, good friend, and always see the good in others. It's when I focus on my strengths that I gain more confidence and that motivates me to become better at my weaknesses.
When I take the time to think about how my Heavenly Father views me, is when I gain more confidence naturally because I realize what is really important and that I am loved by Him, and He loves me for who I am.
We all try to fit into this mold the world has set for women, but each of us is different on our own and that's what makes us special. I'm certainly learning and growing everyday. I'm on this road with a long journey ahead of me to feel totally confident with myself and accept myself for who I am- weaknesses, deformities, and all- but we can all achieve it. It's something that can happen. We're all in this together. :)



{There is no video for this post}

So, this is a One Direction song covered by Megan and Liz. Now, I'm diggin' One Direction and all, but I think this cover is great. And I think that because this is covered by two girls, it makes the message even better for this particular blog.
Megan and Liz are YouTubers who I have been following for a little while now and they are very positive and up beat, and are always encouraging everyone to be positive, and love themselves.
Remember girls, you are beautiful.
I have started doing something recently that I think could help some of you. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I find one thing that I love about myself. Now, this can be difficult. The other day it was the freckle on my cheek. And that's okay if it's something that simple. Then the next day, I find something new. And I build from the freckle on my cheek, to the color of my eyes, and eventually I'll be able to look in the mirror and love several things I see.
Sometimes we may have to start the process of loving ourselves over- but always start! And don't forget to love what's on the inside too. Because that beauty will shine on your face more than any make-up product.
Find what makes you happy in life, and stick to it. Be kind, and smile and love yourself, and the ones around you.
-Meagan Tweedy