Work In Progress

 This past year has been full of so many experiences for me, and I have learned, and changed so much. I have been thinking a lot lately about the kind of person I want to be. Not just the kind of person I want others to see me as, but actually being that person. To feel the confidence that I try to portray, to be the happy I wear on my face, and to just be a good person.
I have always tried to control my emotions and only let people see what I want them to. This has a lot to do with my anxiety, and not feeling comfortable in front of people. But that it is so exhausting. I am tired of doing things because of my anxiety. I'm tired of not letting myself feel things, or say things, or have a certain emotion about something. Now, of course, I can't just tell my anxiety to cut it out, and forget about it, but I do think that I can over come some of it. I want to be able to laugh, cry, be confused, ask questions, speak, and whatever else without feeling like I'm going to puke or die of humiliation.
There will still be some of that sometimes, but in this last year, I have been able to get through those feelings and do the things I want. I flew on an airplane for the first time this year, traveled without my family, visited another state, and have started doing more outside of my house with other people. These are all things that people do everyday and don't think about it, but for me it's a really big deal and it has shown me that even though I still have social anxiety, I can do everything I want. I make take a little more time than everyone, and have a panic attack or two, and need a hug, but I can do it!
So I started thinking of all of the things I have stopped myself from doing, or thought were too hard, or too embarrassing to do, and decided that I am going to try those things. I have made a list of these things:
1. Cry in front of people. This is one of the hardest things for me. I taught myself years ago how to stop myself from crying. I feel extremely embarrassed when I cry in public. But sometimes I really want to cry. Like if I feel the spirit, or see something sweet, or even if I'm just having a hard day.
2.Making friends. One of my least favorite things is starting a conversation. I will sit by myself, and not speak to anyone to avoid having to start a conversation- even with people I already know. I like friends, and people, and I really enjoy talking, but it terrifies me. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I embarrass myself? What if I bore them? It is just stressful, and hard.
3.Saying what I feel/ giving my opinion. This is probably one of the things I am worst at. I hate discussing feelings, and emotions. I feel weak, and dumb if I'm anything but "good". And giving my opinion on something... so hard. I will agree with things I completely disagree with because I get so nervous. Or if someone says they like something that I like, or noticed something I did too, I will often say I don't like it, or didn't notice it, because I'm worried they'll think I'm copying them... I know, what am I 6?
So, these are a few of the things I have been working on, and trying to improve about myself. I want people to know my opinions, and how I feel, and what I'm really thinking. Because I like knowing those things about other people, so what's the big deal... right? Well, it's a work in progress. I just want to be able to feel everything I want without having to feel bad or embarrassed. I want to say what I mean, and stick to what I believe, even if someone else thinks the contrary, or says I'm wrong.
We're all a work in progress, we shouldn't beat ourselves up for who we are. God knows our heart, and who we are, His opinion of us should be the only one that matters. And maybe your mom... Don't apologize for who you are, you're great. Just keep working on yourself, don't give up. There's always going to be something to improve, and that's okay, we're human.