Unlike most 19 year olds who have a life going to college, possibly supporting themselves, and a car, I lack all that except going to college- which I loathe. My life revolves around God, family, and friends who pretty much are family. My love for music is singing, songwriting- which is by far one of the main loves that keep my heart beating- that gives me the most beautiful overwhelming joy that most people or loves cannot do. You take away music, and I am nothing. You take away God, and I don't exist. Also, my love for acting, writing, and photography, and while I'm at it- fashion.
I was born in L.A. and moved to the Antelope Valley in 2003. Ever since, things have taken off faster then they should have. I was already dealing with confidence/ low self-esteem issues, but it all overwhelmed me, considering my mental illness. The world, to me, didn't react to me being alive as well as it should have. I'd hear "you are so ugly" or "your skin is as dark as night" or "snaggle tooth" or "you have really creepy eyes". It was words like that that cut deep, all too overwhelming to even fathom. Essentially, I felt like I was on every persons Vendetta List- even on my own. I'd cope by music and singing because I knew that music would never make me feel as worse as I did.
As young women and girls, we are always thrown under the bus by society- you have to have big boobs, and butt, and be skinny, or curvy, long hair, blonde or brunett". Or if you're black, you have to fit the stereotype of being ignorant, or ghetto. Basically, women have to assimilate and conform to the worlds standards, but you really don't need to. It's an ongoing battle to be noticed- for your Prince Charming to come and take your breath away, and to feel beautiful.
Even for me, it's a struggle everyday. Most days I'm my worlds worst critic, and say things like: "you are so ugly, fat, weird, and a freak of nature- no wonder a boy won't look your direction". and sometimes there are days like "man, kid, you look pretty stellar, or awesome today, you have amazing eyes that are unbelievably mesmerizing". It takes a lot of effort to say that because it is all so hard when all you are exposed to is those who literally thrive off of tearing you to pieces and making you feel less then.
But the beauty of it all is still trying to find that beauty that has been there all along. Everyday it's gonna be hard to digest, but you must persevere.
My hope and advice to all of you following Meagan's blog is that you realize 1. You are so beautiful that it can't be measured- it's that awesome. 2. Do not look to people, society, and this world to fulfill your needs, and to help you feel beautiful because they will always fail you! That is a fatal recipe for disaster. You just can't do that because you will always be failed or disappointed. 3. Surround yourself with people who will always uplift, and inspire you. Those people truly have your best interest at heart, and will always be there for you. I know that without beautiful people like that in my life, I wouldn't even be alive. 4. Start your day off with positive, and hopeful words to yourself. You got to get in the habit of doing that, otherwise you will always feel low. For me especially, if I don't say one positive thing to myself, I know the rest of the day will be a lost cause.
So, if you have Bipolar Disorder, yes, it's hard to see that but if I can fight this Beautiful Struggle, so can all of you beautiful women out there. I call it the Beautiful Struggle because the beauty of it all is making it through that struggle and rising victoriously time after time, weather it is small or huge, you will make it Beautifully, but you will make it.
I am starting my own blog/ project/ movement called, ironically, The Beautiful Struggle Project. targeted towards young women and teenage girls who have Bipolar Disorder, to allow them to be themselves and hear stories, and posts that will help them through that day. If we sit, and cry to ourselves and never share our beautiful struggles, beautiful triumphs, beautiful hopes, etc., there will be a young woman or girl who never had a chance to know they were never alone- essentially, never live! We need to get over the shame we feel cause having this illness is NOT YOUR FAULT, and NEVER will be. We have to spread hope to the hopeless, shine our mesmerizing light to those in darkness, and inspire and uplift as we need that in turn. We cannot and will not be silenced. I have Bipolar Disorder, not I am!
If we never hope, inspire, dream, we will never know what it means to BE ALIVE.
-Lynn Marie
Watch Lynn's video!
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